Life is baffling

30 June 2010, Wednesday 

I'm baffled

I'm bewildered
I'm confounded
I'm stumped!!!
Sometimes I marvel

I'm bowled over about countless things in life 

I'm astonished why when we talk of love very few listen
But when we talk of hate we have everyone's rapt attention

I'm amazed why when someone is feeling down and blue
And these poor souls don't know what to do
Our words of comfort seem so few

I'm perplexed why we are happy to listen to lies
Quicker than we will listen to the truth
Albeit we are witnesses to the pain
And have heard their whimpers and cries.

I'm mystified why we pick our friends and envelope them in love
And never extend our hands to others

I'm stunned why when things seem right
We think it is something awesome and great we have done
But when things go wrong, we want to blame Allah

I'm baffled

I'm bewildered

I'm confounded
I'm stumped!!!

WanKinsella@Lubukhatiku

Today my exciting voyage begins...

30 June 2010, Wednesday

For ages, I've been dreaming and meaning to... Unfortunately, time was not on my side.

But....

Today, more than ever, I'm determined to start penning down my family's delightful, heart-rending, poignant, moving, and inspirational stories, stories which keep leaping out of my mind, stories which have enthralled my kids, particularly, my daughter, Khairina Izzati.

Time and again, I have shared with my kids stories about my parents, how hard a life they had gone through, how deprived and impoverished they were. And Khairina had repeatedly cajoled me into writing a memoir, a journal that could chronicle my family's inspirational and stirring journey through an arduous, challenging and testing time in their lives.

The period where 5 cents meant the world to my eldest sister and 3 brothers, where every cent counted, and where 10 cents was all the pocket money I received daily when I was in secondary school, right up to Secondary 4. Today, RM10 pocket money is the norm in some families.

The period where my sister and brothers had to sell kueh (Malay cakes) from door-to-door just to buy their school necessities, where watching movies at the cinema was a REAL LUXURY, and where eating broth (bubur) with salted fish was almost a daily occurrence in their lives.

I have also repeatedly told my English students the same story to inspire them. What my parents lacked financially, they made it up with their foresight and their grit and determination. They persevered.

They raised eight kids with barely enough to sustain everyone. They schooled us and made sure we had good education, that was the only property they bequethed to us.

And, with Allah's blessings, all the 8 kids have gone on to be very successful in their lives, all 8 of us. All with their own success stories. To Mak, Ayah, we, your 8 kids would be eternally grateful.

Today, I will embark on a literary journey. Today, I will unfold the lives behind the curtains of Allahyarham Wan Mahmood and Allahyarhamah Norhasimah, the truly special and proud parents of Allahyarham Wan Yusoff, Allahyarham Wan Mohammed Fisol, Wan Arfah, Wan Mohammed Fusil, Wan Ishak, Wan Mohammed Elias, Wan Mohamed Saleh, Wan Sallehah, Wan Sofiah, Allahyarham Wan Mohammed Zakery and Wan NorZakirah.

Today my exciting voyage begins.

Ayah, I still feel your presence

10 June 2010, Thursday

Even though ayah left me 1.5 years ago, I still feel his strong presence in my house. Sometimes, out of the blues, I could smell a whiff of his favourite cigar pervading my living room and I am comforted with the smell, knowing that ayah has "visited' my house once again.

At other times, especially when I am at a mamak restaurant, I would imagine what to "tapau" for ayah as he normally would ask me to tapau his favourite fried bird, mamak mee or rice with his all-time favourite daging.

How many times have I picked up the phone to call ayah ? When reality set in, I'd be feeling really melancholic and pain would run through my veins.

I admit that I was unprepared for the devastation I'd feel when he died, but today, I have gradually come to terms with my loss.

There was this period of terrible numbness. And it's impossible for anyone to know what's it like until it happens to you. It had happened to friends of mine and I'd go, 'Oh, I'm so sorry', but in reality? How could I be truly sorry when I didn't know what it meant before he left us?

No one can ever underestimate how devastating it is. But at the same time what I've learnt about losing someone so close is that my life is full of their presence. Ayah, I love you so much, you were my best friend. Now I feel so empty and alone inside.

Madah nasihat seorang suami buat isterinya:

3 June 2010, Thursday

Mintalah maaf kepadaku, 

nescaya cintaku tetap abadi kepadamu

Janganlah kamu berbicara kepadaku

saat amarahku sedang tinggi memuncak

Janganlah memukulku, walau sekalipun

umpama kamu memukul sebuah rebana

Sungguh kamu tidak mengetahui

bagaimana orang yang sedang berpisah

Janganlah terlalu suka mengadu

sehingga aku hilang rasa cinta

dan aku tawar hati terhadapmu

Kerana hati ini sentiasa berubah-ubah

Sesungguhnya aku melihat bahawa

cinta di dalam hati ini dan rasa sakit hati

Apabila berkumpul (pada satu hati)

tidak berapa lama 

cintapun terus padam dan hilang

WanKinsella@Lubukhatiku

Panjatkan kesyukuran di atas segala rahmat Allah s.w.t

25 May 2010, Tuesday

Sebelum kamu melihat mawar yang berduri
hidulah bunga yang mekar mewangi sambil bertasbih

Sebelum kamu mengeluh mengenai keterikan panas matahari
kecapilah pancaran cahayanya

Sebelum kamu merungut tentang kepekatan dan gelapan malam
nikmatilah kesunyian dan kebeningan malam hari
Sebelum kamu mengeluh mengenai curahan hujan
nikmatilah air yang segar dengan rasa kesyukuran

Sebelum kamu merungut tentang ribut taufan

hiruplah udara yang nyaman dengan penuh kegembiraan
Sebelum kamu merungut tentang pasanganmu
cerminkanlah diri mu terlebih dahulu
Elakkan dari menutup pintu kemakbulan doa
dengan melakukan maksiat

WanKinsella@Lubukhatiku

Extra Garnishing You Can Do Without!!!

24 May 2010, Monday

EVERY BITE OF FOOD IS SHEER AND UTTER TERROR

Could you imagine a life where every bite of food you put into your mouth brought with it a feeling of sheer and utter terror? Unfortunately for this girl, Nisha, that was the life she was living.

When Nisha was a teenager, her older sister died from choking – It was believed that she suffered an allergic reaction to something that she ate and, within moments, her throat closed up, she couldn’t breathe and was gone.
 

Although obviously affected by the incident, Nisha managed to pick her life back up and for many years after that, she continued to live her normally productive life without any problems or fears. However, in her 30s (almost two decades later), while going through a particularly tough and stressful time, Nisha seemed to suddenly find herself absolutely terrified of choking with every bite of food she put into her mouth. 

MENTAL PERSPECTIVE

From a mental perspective, what happens is that in the moment of the trauma, your mind (in trying to protect you from the overpowering emotions you are experiencing), actually ignores your overwhelming emotions completely and puts you in a place of “pretending” that you’re okay. For more interesting stories like Nisha's, check out the link on phobiamania. 

PHOBIAMANIA

Almost everyone has an irrational fear or two. Some get nervous at the thought of needles. Others shriek at the sight of a mouse. Still others get woozy when they look down from tall buildings. For most people, these fears are minor. But for some, these fears are so severe that they cause tremendous anxiety and interfere with normal day-to-day life.When fears are irrational and disabling, they are called phobias.

Many people experience specific phobiasspecific phobias, intense irrational fearsirrational fears of certain things or situations -- dogs, closed-in places, heights, escalatorsescalators, tunnels, highway driving, water, flying, and injuries involving blood are a few of the more common ones.

For the complete list of phobias, please check this link out. And do also visit this interesting Top Ten Most Absurd Phobias. 

AGORAPHOBIA

Phobias occur in several forms. A specific phobia is a fear of a particular object or situation. Social phobiaSocial phobia is a fear of being painfully embarrassed in a social setting. And agoraphobiaagoraphobia, which often accompanies panic disorder panic disorder disorder, is a fear of being in any situation that might provoke a panic attackpanic attack, or from which escape might be difficult if one occurred.

And talking about agoraphobia, this struck a chord in me and  will always haunt me, because I too suffer from it. And in my case, I get this panic attack specifically when I am at shopping complexes. I become claustrophobic when I'm at a crowded shopping complex. Hence I tend to avoid sales. I feel suffocated and breathless when I see the throngs of people.

And even if the complex is not crowded but a shop is (despite me wanting and longing to go in) I tend to avoid it. I prefer a place where it is void of of customers. I like space. I feel safe and happy in a place not overflowing with people. 

PHOBIA OF THE HAIRY KIND

And if you think that's not bad enough, recently I develop another phobia. Unfortunately, I could be one of the very small and negligible percentage out of the billions of people in this world who suffer from this type of phobia where I'm yet to find a name for it. The only other person I knew suffering from this phobia was my late mum.

Both my late mum and I have this fear of finding hair in food. Whenever we discover hair in our food, it would be  a sure way to quell our appetite. We would both stop eating immediately, no matter how delectable and delicious the food is.

I used not to bother too much about it, but lately, I tend to notice numerous instances of hair in my food and it really turns me off eating. I have reached the serious stage of this "hairy" phobia because I tend to scrutinise my food well before eating. Sometimes, I imagine that I've seen hair in food prepared by my maid, even though they are merely strands of onions or even patterns on my plates. 

EXTRA GARNISHING YOU CAN DO WITHOUT

Recently, I went for lunch at a restaurant. Two bites into my chicken I noticed a curly black hair wrapped around one of the pieces of chicken in my rendang. Total bummer. I removed the hot sauce-dappled hair from its nest and dropped it on the floor in disgust.

I contemplated saying something to the girl who took my order, but the place was packed with a large lunchtime crowd, and I was too upset to bother, so I just tossed out my meal.

Despite being very hungry, the disgusting hair has quashed my appetite completely. I walked away and tried to wipe my memory like in that Men In Black movie with the fancy blue flashlight on my key chain. When it didn’t work, I turned off the tear ducts and clutched my rumbling stomach and swear I will not consume the chicken-y concoction again and will not patronise that restaurant ever again. 

CURLY HAIR vs STRAIGHT HAIR???

Which brings me to my point: What wins in the battle of your favorite food vs. hair in your favorite food? Do you continue to eat when you’ve found some potentially gonorrhea-infected pube-looking-thing in your rendang or whatever food you're eating? Or do you love rendang or sambal sotong so much you can look past the hair and enjoy your meal?

All this talk about absurd phobias doesn’t discount that some people are afflicted with such fears. The fact that there are names for these only lays testament to this fact. What is important is that such phobias don’t adversely affect a person’s life. If life still continues on, people can fear anything they want.

But, hair in food, oh my, that's TOTALLY REPULSIVE!!! I'd rather be at a crowded shopping mall and endure agoraphobia.....

Reminder to me, reminder to all

23 May 2010, Sunday

Sit and think. And be honest with yourself. Look at the number and the statistics. How many things do you own? How much wealth do you possess? How much blessings do you enjoy? How many things do you have that bring you delight?

Beauty?
Wealth?
Husband?
Wife?
Children?
Shade?
Home?
Cars?
Country?
Light?
Air?
Water?
Nourishment?
Medicine?

Rejoice, and be cheerful. And offer thanks and prayers to The Creator, Allah s.w.t.

i wander, and i meander, and i wonder why

20 May 2010, Thursday

every so often i wander,
i wander here and i wander there

and as i wander, i wonder

why i wander and i wonder
 

then i amble into my fantasy

i meander into my pipe dream

i ramble into a world of unreality

and i build castles in the air

 

i saunter into another planet
my own world

my own flight of imagination
far away from reality

far away from this earth
where nobody exits
and where nothing subsists except me

as i look up into the sky

with a canopy of bright shining and twinkling stars
i marvel and i start to wonder and meander...
i wonder why i love to wander and meander

and i wonder

i wander and meander
away to another space

far away from this place
away from my body
away from my soul
away, and i've gone astray
 

i've vanished into space

petered away into the cosmos

evaporated into this vast universe
 

and i wonder
why do i wander and wonder

i wonder if everyone likes to wonder

and meander and wander the way i do
 

i doubt anyone can understand

why i wander and i wonder
and i wonder if i myself can understand
 

and there i go again

i'm wandering all around
trying to get hold of someone

who can meander

who can wander

and who can wonder along with me......

i wonder if i can find that someone

i wander and i meander

i wonder
 

 

Every single thing we do matters

19 May 2010, Wednesday

Why can’t we as human beings understand that everything we do matters to someone?

Somebody is always watching how we act and what we do when we face everyday situations and even major ones that we have no control over. First thing each morning, ask the CREATOR, Allah, the Exalted to guide us in every step we make.

We may never know the positive effect we can have on people.  We need to remember that we can affect others around us much more than we care to realize.

Something to smile about...

19 May 2010, Wednesday

Sometimes, you asked why people always expected you to smile in photographs.
And I've told you repeatedly that it was because your loved ones, and your friends hoped that in the future, there would be something to smile about....