Life is baffling

30 June 2010, Wednesday 

I'm baffled

I'm bewildered
I'm confounded
I'm stumped!!!
Sometimes I marvel

I'm bowled over about countless things in life 

I'm astonished why when we talk of love very few listen
But when we talk of hate we have everyone's rapt attention

I'm amazed why when someone is feeling down and blue
And these poor souls don't know what to do
Our words of comfort seem so few

I'm perplexed why we are happy to listen to lies
Quicker than we will listen to the truth
Albeit we are witnesses to the pain
And have heard their whimpers and cries.

I'm mystified why we pick our friends and envelope them in love
And never extend our hands to others

I'm stunned why when things seem right
We think it is something awesome and great we have done
But when things go wrong, we want to blame Allah

I'm baffled

I'm bewildered

I'm confounded
I'm stumped!!!

WanKinsella@Lubukhatiku

Today my exciting voyage begins...

30 June 2010, Wednesday

For ages, I've been dreaming and meaning to... Unfortunately, time was not on my side.

But....

Today, more than ever, I'm determined to start penning down my family's delightful, heart-rending, poignant, moving, and inspirational stories, stories which keep leaping out of my mind, stories which have enthralled my kids, particularly, my daughter, Khairina Izzati.

Time and again, I have shared with my kids stories about my parents, how hard a life they had gone through, how deprived and impoverished they were. And Khairina had repeatedly cajoled me into writing a memoir, a journal that could chronicle my family's inspirational and stirring journey through an arduous, challenging and testing time in their lives.

The period where 5 cents meant the world to my eldest sister and 3 brothers, where every cent counted, and where 10 cents was all the pocket money I received daily when I was in secondary school, right up to Secondary 4. Today, RM10 pocket money is the norm in some families.

The period where my sister and brothers had to sell kueh (Malay cakes) from door-to-door just to buy their school necessities, where watching movies at the cinema was a REAL LUXURY, and where eating broth (bubur) with salted fish was almost a daily occurrence in their lives.

I have also repeatedly told my English students the same story to inspire them. What my parents lacked financially, they made it up with their foresight and their grit and determination. They persevered.

They raised eight kids with barely enough to sustain everyone. They schooled us and made sure we had good education, that was the only property they bequethed to us.

And, with Allah's blessings, all the 8 kids have gone on to be very successful in their lives, all 8 of us. All with their own success stories. To Mak, Ayah, we, your 8 kids would be eternally grateful.

Today, I will embark on a literary journey. Today, I will unfold the lives behind the curtains of Allahyarham Wan Mahmood and Allahyarhamah Norhasimah, the truly special and proud parents of Allahyarham Wan Yusoff, Allahyarham Wan Mohammed Fisol, Wan Arfah, Wan Mohammed Fusil, Wan Ishak, Wan Mohammed Elias, Wan Mohamed Saleh, Wan Sallehah, Wan Sofiah, Allahyarham Wan Mohammed Zakery and Wan NorZakirah.

Today my exciting voyage begins.

Ayah, I still feel your presence

10 June 2010, Thursday

Even though ayah left me 1.5 years ago, I still feel his strong presence in my house. Sometimes, out of the blues, I could smell a whiff of his favourite cigar pervading my living room and I am comforted with the smell, knowing that ayah has "visited' my house once again.

At other times, especially when I am at a mamak restaurant, I would imagine what to "tapau" for ayah as he normally would ask me to tapau his favourite fried bird, mamak mee or rice with his all-time favourite daging.

How many times have I picked up the phone to call ayah ? When reality set in, I'd be feeling really melancholic and pain would run through my veins.

I admit that I was unprepared for the devastation I'd feel when he died, but today, I have gradually come to terms with my loss.

There was this period of terrible numbness. And it's impossible for anyone to know what's it like until it happens to you. It had happened to friends of mine and I'd go, 'Oh, I'm so sorry', but in reality? How could I be truly sorry when I didn't know what it meant before he left us?

No one can ever underestimate how devastating it is. But at the same time what I've learnt about losing someone so close is that my life is full of their presence. Ayah, I love you so much, you were my best friend. Now I feel so empty and alone inside.

Madah nasihat seorang suami buat isterinya:

3 June 2010, Thursday

Mintalah maaf kepadaku, 

nescaya cintaku tetap abadi kepadamu

Janganlah kamu berbicara kepadaku

saat amarahku sedang tinggi memuncak

Janganlah memukulku, walau sekalipun

umpama kamu memukul sebuah rebana

Sungguh kamu tidak mengetahui

bagaimana orang yang sedang berpisah

Janganlah terlalu suka mengadu

sehingga aku hilang rasa cinta

dan aku tawar hati terhadapmu

Kerana hati ini sentiasa berubah-ubah

Sesungguhnya aku melihat bahawa

cinta di dalam hati ini dan rasa sakit hati

Apabila berkumpul (pada satu hati)

tidak berapa lama 

cintapun terus padam dan hilang

WanKinsella@Lubukhatiku