Friday, April 29, 2011

Ya Allah, please never again, Part 1

"Sakit tak" (was that painful?). I was repeatedly asked this question at the Radiology room, HUKM while the doctor inserted contrast into my shoulder.

I had undergone numerous medical procedures in my life but I must say that today's Contrast x-ray was, to put it succinctly, "Ouch!! That was excruciatingly painful!"

My dear hubby had taken leave today (thanks Sayang, appreciate your presence) to accompany me to HUKM as I was scheduled to undergo two MRI procedures (one for my shoulder, and another for my mid spine).

As I'm allergic to numerous painkillers and certain antibiotics (penicillin and the sulphur family), I had been prescribed prednisollone to counter any allergic reaction or asthmatic attack during the MRI procedure. I had to take 8 tablets the night before and another 8 on the morning of the procedure. I had swallowed the bitter pills reluctantly.

I must say it was really unfortunate that I had been nursing a stubborn and persistent cough, flu and sore throat the last couple of weeks (caught the flu bug in Mecca) and made worse during my recent trip to New Zealand as the weather was terribly cold. And this had precipitated my wheezing. I have been wheezing badly the last couple of days and had to be administered nebulizer twice within s span of 3 days.

And this had caused anxiety and an almost panic attack when I went to the Radiology department today as the wheezing had caused me to cough badly. During an MRI procedure, I'm not supposed to move and any coughing which will trigger body shake will affect the procedure.

My MRI appointment had been set for 11.45 a.m. As there was plenty of time before my appointment, we completed a couple of errands and went to HUKM only at 11.00 a.m.

There were only a couple of patients there so I reckoned we needn't have to wait too long. My assumption wasn' quite right as I was only called at about 12.30 p.m.

A lady radiologist approached me and ushered me outside. I was expecting to be walked to the MRI room but instead we headed towards the X-ray area which puzzled me. As we walked, the radiologist explained that they were going to perform a contrast x-ray which puzzled and surprised me as all along I had asumed that I was only slated for MRI.

The radiologist explained that I had to be administered anaesthetic and injected with contrast to see the problem area at my shoulder. Much as I was shocked by this procedure but I had no choice. I went into the x-ray room with abated breath....

Friday, April 22, 2011

Bisikan hati kecil ini

Ya Allah Ya Tuhnaku
Kurniakanlah rahmat dan hidayah ke atas junjungan Nabi s.a.w.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku
Ampunilah segala dosa-dosaku
Dosa-dosaku di masa silam
Dosa-dosa yang telah ku lakukan di masa lampau
Ampunilah dosa ibu bapaku
Dosa ibu bapa mertuaku

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku
Ampunilah dosa suamiku dan dosa anak-anakku

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku
Terimalah amalanku dan amalan-amlan ahli keluargaku
Berkatilah kehidupan kami
Juahilah kami dari neraka jahanam dan seksaan kubur

Tetapkanlah iman kami
Bukakanlah hati kami untuk bertaqwa kepadaMu Ya Allah Ya Rabbulalamin
Pancarkanlah sinaran keimanan dalam diri kami

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku
Limpahilah rezeki yang halal buat keluargaku
Bahagiakanlah taman hati kami
Cucurilah rahmat ke atas roh ibu bapa kami dan kaum keluarga kami
Tempatkanlah mereka di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku
Tabahkanlah hatiku ini
Selimutilah hatiku ini dengan ketaqwaan dan rahmatMu

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku
Aku hanya hambaMu yang kerdil
Aku hanya hambaMu yang banyak melakukan dosa dan kesilapan
Hindarkanlah aku dan keluargaku dari pintu kemaksiatan
Bukakanlah hati kami ke jalan keredhaanMU

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku
Hanya padaMu aku berserah
Hanya padaMu aku memohon keampunan
Hanya padaMu aku memphon perlindungan

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku
Makbulkanlah permintaanku untuk menunaikan haji
Hantarkanlah aku dan keluargaku ke Tanah Suci untuk mengerjakan umrah setiap tahun
Aku merindui Masjid Nabawi
Aku merindui Masjidil Haram
Aku merindui Baitullah
Aku merindui menjadi tetamuMu Ya Allah Ya Rabbulalamin

Saban hari aku kepingin ke sana lagi
Moga-moga Kau meredhai hasratku
Aku pasrah dengan apa jua kehendakMu
Namun akau mengharapkan yang terbaik dariMu
Aku mengharapkan kau makbulkan permintaanku

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku
Engkaulah Tuhan Yang Maha Agung lagi Maha Mengasihani
Engkaulah Tuhan Semesta Alam

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku
Engkaulah Tuhan Yang Maha Mengetahui dan Maha Mengampuni
Terimalah bisikan doaku ini...

I'm sorry, Ya Allah

Ya Allah.....!
it hurts when I have to let go the things I really love..
it hurts when I have to lose something that I really want..
it hurts, Allah…
it hurts..

but believe me, Ya Allah..
I will feel hurt most when I know that I have hurt You..
it hurt most, Allah..
believe me..
believe me….

I realize that I can never live without Your mercy..
I realize that I can never smile without the concious that You are pleased with me..
I realize that I can never lead my life if You are unhappy with me..

I am sorry..
I am really really sorry..
For I have neglected You for long time..
For I have loved others more than I should love You..
For I have prioritized others more than I should..

Even then…
You still gives me food to eat.. when I am not supposed to eat what I shouldn't eat
You still gives me eyes to see.. when I am not supposed to see what I shouldn't see
You still gives me ears to hear.. when I am not supposed to hear what I shouldn't hear
You still gives me skin to touch.. when I am not supposed to touch what I shouldn't touch
You still give the air I'm breathing now.. when I have done tonnes of mistakes..

How can someone not fall for You??
You are very nice Ya Allah..
You are very kind Ya Allah..
You are great Ya Allah..

but I forget..
I'm so occupied with this world..
I'm so busy with my life..
I'm so so so busy about myself..

I can never forgive  myself if this were to happen again..
how can I do that to You Allah…I'm such an arrogant slave..
I'm not thankful to You…
I feel embarrased Ya Allah..I'm embarrased…Ya Allah!

but please Ya Allah…
soon ONE DAY  I will be meeting You YA ALLAH!
FORGIVE me on that day YA ALLAH
THAT is my only WISH...YA ALLAH!

If you don't mind, does it matter?

Women are like hot tea bags, they don't know how strong they are, until they get into hot water.

And, in my case, despite nursing a cold and hacking cough, and with an aching spine and back, I managed (miracles of all miracles) to heave a 22 kg luggage up 3 flights of steps when I was in Christchurch and Queenstown, New Zealand  recently.

Due to my long-suffering aching spine and back, I had been given doctor's advice (orthopedic doctors) not to carry any heavy stuff. And I had been heeding their advice until I reached New Zealand. Unlike Malaysia and other parts of the world, very few NZ hotels have elevators, so guests have no choice but to lug their luggage up several flights of stairs.

It was really miraculous that the lugging did not take its toll on me during my week's sojourn in New Zealand. I guess, that's what you'd call as mind over matter.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Dear brain, please cooperate...

I've been absent from my blog the last 3 weeks and I can't wait to pen down my thoughts again once I get over this malaise, and jet-lag which have been bugging me since I came back from an awe-inspiring and "can't wait to go again" trips to Madinah, and Mekah; and an eye-opening trip to Karachi; and a breathtaking, unforgettable, and picture-perfect trip to New Zealand. To make it worse, I've been nursing a cold and flu and coughing the last 2 weeks.

So many things are screaming for my attention, yet my brain has not been able to focus. My body is weary and tired and my brain refuses to function. Dear brain - please cooperate....