Wednesday, March 31, 2010

all dark clouds will soon fade away...

31 March 2010, Wednesday

never thought it would be so harsh living in this world
surrounded by people who matter to you but sometimes hurt you

many times i just want to give up
alas, there is always a small voice within me
willing me to go on and cheering me up

sometimes in life i go through challenging and daunting times
but in due course testing times will bring me happiness
happiness that will uplift me
happiness that will fill my heart, my mind, and my soul
happiness that will give me the strength i need

things are likely to happen for a reason
which is difficult to see unless i seek it out
sometimes it takes ages just to see it
but more often than not, all it takes is just a little patience

i always cajole myself to remain patient
for deep in my heart i know this disheartening times will soon pass

take one day at a time
do not worry about tomorrow
it may be joy
it may be sorrow

every raindrop has a rainbow in the offing
and every cloud has a silver lining
waiting just for me in the horizon

all dark clouds will soon fade away
and everything will be jolly and sunny soon


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

When anguish comes thumping

30 March 2010, Tuesday

When anguish comes thumping
There’s no one home
Gone out gallavanting
And I'm here all alone
Anguish comes thumping
Week after week
I try not to heed
But it caused my heart to bleed

But anguish comes thumping
Day after day day
Oh please just go away
And leave me in peace

Anguish comes thumping
What does he really fancy?
Is he here to lodge?
Or simply enjoy goading me?

Monday, March 29, 2010

Sorrow here sorrow there sorrow everywhere

29 March 2010, Monday

sorrow here sorrow there
sorrow in my heart
sorrow in my soul
sorrow in my mind
sorrow in my skin
sorrow in my bones 
sorrow coming from you
till my heart bleeds red
sorrow you caused till the skin and bones rip
sorrow you caused till I break into tears 

sorrow from then till now
sorrow in my head
sorrow in my heart
sorrow in my mind
sorrow in my soul 

sorrow happening in my sleep
sorrow happening in my thoughts
sorrow happening when I'm alone
sorrow happening in my room
sorrow happening in my bed where I'm all alone
sorrow happening every hour every minute every second of my life 

sorrow caused by anger, fury and rage
sorrow caused by deep hurt
sorrow caused by desolation and gloom
sorrow caused by grief and despair
sorrow caused by anguish and bewilderment 

sorrow caused by you
sorrow caused by you and others
sorrow caused by those who professed to love me

sorrow is driving me insane
causing my head to spin till it fills up my veins
i go to sleep never to wake up and see the light 
the light that will end my pain for good!

Friday, March 26, 2010

My legs went on autopilot mode

26 March 2010, Friday

Speaking of autopilot mode which I just wrote and posted yesterday, a funny and hilarious thing happened to me yesterday.

I was scheduled to meet my husband at Sungai Besi LRT station so that he could meet me half-way, enroute to his office at UPM as I had wanted to see the beautiful wood panelling that was installed on his office walls.

He wanted to attend the KL Book Fair at PWTC, and naturally I wanted to tag along.

These days, I love walking, so as usual, I took my own sweet time walking to the LRT sttaion at Bandar Tun Razak from my house which normallly takes less than 10 minutes.

And as I walked, I was dreaming of all the books that I was going to lay my hands on, plus having to scout around for books which my daughter had asked us to buy. We both are voracious readers and without fail would indulge in books during such fairs.

Once I reached the station, I paid for the ticket to Sungai Besi station.

And soon after, I walked through the turnstile and my feet took me to my usual and familiar route, i.e the track that's leading to Sentul Timur. After alighting the staircase, then only I realised with amusement that I was on the wrong side of the track.

I was supposed to take the track heading towards Sri Petaling. And as I walked up the stairs again and moved towards the stairs to the other side, I was laughing and chiding myself for being so caught in an autopilot mode. It was really hilarious because I had just touched that topic a day earlier.

My autopilot mode had conditioned my brain to head towards the Sentul Timur route as that has been my usual route 99% of the time. About the very few occasions that I had taken the Sri Petaling route was during the Commonwealth Games which Malaysia hosted way back in 1998. Back then, I was a Commonwealth Games volunteer.

What was hilarious about the whole thing was that, despite my brain knowing where to go when I had correctly asked for the ticket to Sungai Besi, yet my legs had gone on autopilot mode...

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Are we living on autopilot mode, because if we are, we are about to crash...

25 March 2010, Thursday

Just the other day, I was travelling in a train and I was seated opposite this family of four, a young husband and wife and their two small kids, an adorable little girl and a cute little boy.

I wouldn't have given them much thought until I realised something was amiss. The wife was looking very dejected and remorseful, and there was this pained look on her face, it was as though she was suffering from deep sorrow and she's shouldering the world's problems.

Their two kids who were seated in between the two parents provided some sort of barrier between the parents whom I suspected had a tiff and were not on speaking terms.

I may sound presumptous but I have this uncanny knack of being able to discern people's behavious and characters through their body language. And it was very obvious and glaring that both were in a world of their own and both looking distraught. Neither said anything to each other, nor did they communicate with their kids which further fuelled my suspicion.

And as I furtively observed them through my shades, I noticed that the little boy was closing his eyes, and was blinking them numerous times (he looked really hilarious). I wasn't too sure whether he was sleepy and was falling asleep, but the minute the boy started sliding down his seat, the mum's hand automatically caught him and pulled him back without saying anything or even holding him.

And as I continued observing this family, a pregnant lady alighted the train. The minute the boy who was seated next to the husband realised there was a pregnant lady, he gave his seat up, so the lady ended up sitting next to the father of those two small kids.

Again, there's nothing unusual about this, until I noticed with wry amusement that the man started leaning on that pregnant lady and I could see her acute discomfort. It was as though he wasn't conscious that the man who was earlier seated next to him had given up his seat and now a woman was seated next to him instead.
I could see several times, the woman shifting her seat so that the man's shoulder didn't touch her, and I also observed that she kept stealing glances at the man's wife to see if she had noticed this. Alas, as both were preoccupied with their own thoughts, they seemed oblivious to what was happening.
Most of us, if not all, go about life in an auto-pilot mode. One way to describe it would be our morning routine - we get up, brush our teeth, shower, and get dressed, all without thinking about it. Our body pilots itself without realising or being conscious of what exactly we are doing. This is good, because you wouldn’t want to have to consciously think through repetitive tasks.

But the problem is when bad habits and behaviors become automatic. For example, if you made a habit of waking up each day in a bad mood and thinking negative thoughts, this could have a negative impact on the rest of your day. 
It is mind-blowing how many of us are living our lives on auto-pilot. We do the same things, meet with the same people, have the same conversations over lunch, go to the same supermarkets to buy our groceries and watch the same TV shows when we get home. Even the arguments that we have with other people seem to evolve around the same issues.

Sometimes we go about life in a drunkon stupor until something happens to jolt us out of our reverie or dreamworld. There have been times when I’ve been driven home from work and not really remembered the journey.

I got there safely, but I didn’t remember most of the roads and turns that my husband or son had taken to get me home.

My morning routine is the same way. I’m convinced that I don’t fully wake up until about 15 minutes after I’ve showered. Up to that point, my brain is on autopilot instructing my body to perform my morning routine without me being fully aware of it.

If my toothpaste or shampoo is not in its usual place, watch out! I’ve reached for the shampoo and squeezed shower gel or body lotion into my hair on more than one occasion.

This phenomenon has never really bothered me until recently. One day it suddenly dawned on me that often I’m in autopilot mode that sometimes I'm totally immersed in my thoughts until I'm oblivious to my surroundings.

I went to watch a movie with a friend. It was the story of Children in an Orphanage. That’s really all I can tell you about the movie, because that’s all I remember. I remember the lights going out, and I remember the movie beginning. I guess my mind wandered far away, because I don’t recall anything else until the lights came up at the end of the movie and I suddenly realized I was standing up along with the rest of the audience.

How did that happen? I didn’t even remember the movie ending, much less engaging my brain and instructing my legs to respond by standing up. As I looked around whilst walking out of the theatre, I realized that I had been on autopilot again, simply going through the motions. To the casual observer it looked like I had watched the movie and enjoyed it with the rest of the crowd, but I had actually missed the whole thing.

The incident made me wonder how often I approach my relationship with my husband and my children the same way, functioning solely on autopilot.

Running on autopilot can be dangerous. In a morning routine it may be only a slight irritation. When it comes to driving it’s definitely not recommended, coz it can cause even bigger problems.

This auto-pilot behavior keeps us securely tied to our daily routines, preventing us from growing professionally, slowly killing the excitement of relationships, and sucking the fun out of our lives.
But the really devastating part about living your life automatically is that most of us do not even realize that we are doing it. Our days blend in together. We have a hard time recalling what we did last week and we have very little to look forward to.

We find ourselves reacting to outside circumstances, rather than controlling events of our life. Deep down we keep wishing for more, without being sure if there is more or how to get it. 

Are we living on autopilot mode? Because if we are, we are about to crash.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Missing You Mak

19 March 2010, Friday

I get up every morning to begin a new day
But the sorrow of losing you never go away.
I go about doing the things I have to do
And as the hours pass I reminisce again of you.

I stopped and tried calling you to just hear your voice
Then I remembered that you are no longer around
And now my heart weeps and cries
I longed just to see you once again to bid you goodbye
To tell you, Mak, I love you and I always will
And hope that much of you, in me you've instilled.

The day that you left I just didn't know
That you were going where I couldn't go.
And now all my memories of you are so dear
But dear God, I miss you Mak and wish you were here.

Who now can hear me when I need to cry?
or when I need a warm hug and a tight embrace?
It so hard to tell you "Mak goodbye."
Someday I know all will be well
And I'll see you again with stories to tell
Of how you were missed and how we have grown
And how good it is to finally be home.

Until then my memories of you I'll keep near
Right at the base of my heart it will stay.
And once again, I've this to say
Mak, you will always be loved
And I miss you so.


19 March 2010, Friday

I imagine myself after I pass away
I imagine my grave through night and through day
Wishing that I did not do as they say
Wishing that I had got up and had prayed

Imagine, the day that I died
Imagine all of the tears that they cried
Remember how it felt when my body was tied
Remember how it felt in the grave which I lied
Imagine the day I'll be called to account
Imagine the sum to which my life will amount
Think for a moment of the deeds which I mount
Think for a moment how much they will count.
What will they say of me when I am dead?
What will they say, what will be said?
Will they speak of all the poor whom I fed?
Will they remember all the Qur`an that I read?

Think not of them, but of Allah, Lord of mankind and jinn
Think of Allah when tempted to sin
Think of the paradise which I will dwell in
Don't wait till later to think what might have been.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Happiness is...

17 March 2010, Wednesday

Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.

Love never dies a natural death

17 March 2010, Wednesday

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, witherings, and tarnishings.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Writing is a struggle against silence

16 March 2010, Tuesday

'Thoughts fly and words go on foot. Therein lies all the drama of a writer....'

Writing is a passion that can be done anywhere. All you need is a computer or a laptop (these days, as opposed to pen and paper those days), and if possible, a table and a chair.

You can write on a train journey while you're whizzing over land or sitting in a traffic jam, or while waiting for the LRT train to rumble down - all you need is a hand.

When you're sitting on a bench in the park or you're lazing by the beach, in a cafe, in a plane, or while waiting for the cake to bake!
You can write (in your head) when queuing up in shops, at least a page or two, or while walking you have time to think things through.

But for me, the most productive time for thinking things through and to get ideas is while everyone is deep asleep, and when the night is deathly quiet, when the shadows are cast over my bedroom windows, and when I could hear the leaves rustling and a slight tinkling sound from my wind chimes.

I could easily conjure up ideas and characters in my head, and I would 'pen' them down in my notes feature in my hp, and if I'm up to it, I'd type them right away in my blog. And the best place to do it would be my house, my bedroom is where I like to 'write', with my computer, dictionaries and bookshelves all in sight.

Hot or cold drinks when I want them, books and bed and telephone. There is really nowhere better than the comfort of my own house.

And, I have this little quirk when it comes to writing poetry. I love writing poetries when I'm at the LRT station while waiting for the train to pull in. The ideas for my poetries will flow freely whenever I'm waiting for the train. Somehow, for some strange and queer reason, the trains and the environment at the train station would give me the inspiration to pen down my inner feelings via poetry.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Kitchen Makeover: Day 40

5 March 2010, Friday
Day 40

After 12 dozens of 1.5 ml mineral water and 20 litres of drinking water, and lots of money spent on food outside (averagely RM50 per day for my family of 5), and after inhaling lots of dust the last 40 days, and with a massively messy house, finally my kitchen makeover would be completed today.

The carpenter is slated to come in today to install the kitchen cabinets and fittings and accessories, and that would mark the final stage of my kitchen makeover which have taken 40 days (with a few days' break for CNY) to complete.

Over the next couple of days, I'll be getting help from a maid agency to supply me with Phillipino maids to assist me with the hugely ardous task of cleaning up my messy house. I'm looking forward to getting back a semblance of normalcy in my housec over the next couple of weeks.

And, hopefully by Monday next week, the garden and porch makeover can begin.

Kitchen Makeover: Day 39

4 March 2010, Thursday
Day 39

As there was only minor work to be done in my kitchen (final job for plaster ceiling - where the piping in the kitchen resides), I took the opportunity to go out as I've been cooped up in the house the last 2 weeks.

I was debating between Bukit Bintang or Masjid Jamek area, and finally settled on Sogo shopping complex as I wanted to buy some kitchen stuff. As I wasn't in a hurry, I took my time scouting around for the things I wanted to buy.

And finally I settled on a wooden knife holder, butter dish, plastic ladles, black trash bin, micro fibial cloth, pretty placemats (2 of each design), and thongs.

I was also looking around for pots and saucepans, and after much advice from the sales personnel, I finally settled on a 8-pc Meyer set which was a steal, given that I got a 60+% discount. I was happy with this purchase as this set can be also be used with an induction cooker.

I was happy to be told that Sogo provides porter service for big items. I wouldn't have been able to carry all those stuff down with my failing spine and aching arm.

All in all it was a productive shopping trip as I managed to buy most of the things I needed, saved for a clock that I've been scouting around the last couple of weeks.

I had wanted a special and unique clock that can sit prettily in my new kitchen. Hope I can find it soon.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Kitchen Makeover: Day 38

3 March 2010, Wednesday
Day 38

Oooo...lala... for the first time in weeks, I'm feeling rather upbeat as my kitchen makover is finally nearing completion.

The plumber came in to complete the piping work. To think all this while, the extremely slow water flow was because of the clogged pipes!! When the plumber showed me the residue that was residing in the taps, I just couldn't believe my eyes!!. I couldn't even put my finger inside the tap as it was blocked as soon as the finger went it.

Now, I'm extremely happy with the strong water pressure that's pouring out of my kitchen taps. The Indonesian workers came in to complete the cementing of my concrete cabinet plus putting the final touches to my arch. And they removed all the shutters from my kittos' room to replace with sliding glass windows.

Hopefully the electrician would come in later part of the afternoon to complete the electrical work.

Now what's left is for the carpenter to come in on Friday to install the kitchen cabinet. And we can start cleaning all the MESS in our house.

And work on my garden and compound makeover can begin, hopefully by this Saturday. I'm waiting for Ah Wai (the contractor) to show us the samples of the Shanghai tiles and pebblewash and also the wall tiles for our garden.

This makeover would not be such a major headache as work would be confined outside of my house.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Triple dread..and quadruple dread.. that's how dreadful I feel today

2 March 2010, Tuesday

I'm still nursing a bad throat and sniffing from flu. It's amazing that my body has withstood all the dust from the kitchen makeover the last 30 over days. I had expected to fall sick sooner as I'm highly susceptible to dust.

And to make matters worse, some of the work in my kitchen/house that was supposed to be completed yesterday are still not done. Anger couldn't begin to describe my feeling. If the workers are rag dolls, I would slam them against the walls. I feel like screaming and throttling them.

Kitchen Makeover: Day 37

2 March 2010, Tuesday
Day 37

Today is yet another day when I realised that my house is still in a HUGE MESS. I was hoping that everything would be completed yesterday, saved for the piping work and installation of my kitchen cabinet.

Alas, it's not meant to be. The door arch looks half done, the inside of the concrete cabinet is not cemented yet, and the door grille still shows a big gap which needs to be fixed. Honestly, I'm getting really exasperated.

The plumber came in today to redo the piping system. And hopefully by Thursday, the carpenter would come in to install the cabinet. I can't wait for everything to be over. I'm really going bonkers. I'm teetering on insanity!!!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Kitchen Makeover: Day 36

1 March 2010, Monday
Day 36

Today I'm supposed to follow my husband to Malacca. Alas, because of the delay in the construction work in my kitchen, I have to shelve the idea as I need to be around to supervise the final outstanding work, i.e. painting of the ceiling, roof, washroom, and electrical fittings.

I fervently hope everything will go as planned. Tomorrow, the plumber is supposed to come in to redo our piping system. And if everything goes as planned, the carpenter would come in on Thursday to install our kitchen cabinets. And that would wrap up my kitchen makeover which has taken almost 40 days to complete.

And what's most important, I want to savour once again home-cooked food. And I'm sure my kids and hubby are looking forward to my cooking again.