Even though ayah left me 1.5 years ago, I still feel his strong presence in my house. Sometimes, out of the blues, I could smell a whiff of his favourite cigar pervading my living room and I am comforted with the smell, knowing that ayah has "visited' my house once again.
At other times, especially when I am at a mamak restaurant, I would imagine what to "tapau" for ayah as he normally would ask me to tapau his favourite fried bird, mamak mee or rice with his all-time favourite daging.
How many times have I picked up the phone to call ayah ? When reality set in, I'd be feeling really melancholic and pain would run through my veins.
I admit that I was unprepared for the devastation I'd feel when he died, but today, I have gradually come to terms with my loss.
There was this period of terrible numbness. And it's impossible for anyone to know what's it like until it happens to you. It had happened to friends of mine and I'd go, 'Oh, I'm so sorry', but in reality? How could I be truly sorry when I didn't know what it meant before he left us?
No one can ever underestimate how devastating it is. But at the same time what I've learnt about losing someone so close is that my life is full of their presence. Ayah, I love you so much, you were my best friend. Now I feel so empty and alone inside.