Sebelum kamu...

21 July 2010, Wednesday

Sebelum kamu melihat mawar yang berduri

lihatlah terlebih dahulu keindahan bunganya

Sebelum kamu mengeluh mengenai keterikan panas matahari

kecapilah pancaran cahayanya

Sebelum kamu merungut tentang kepekatan dan kegelapan malam

nikmatilah kesunyian dan kebeningan malam hari

Sebelum kamu mengeluh mengenai curahan hujan

panjatkan kesyukuran ke atas nikmat yang Tuhan kurniakan

Sebelum kamu merungut tentang pasanganmu

Cerminkanlah diri mu terlebih dahulu

WanKinsella@Lubukhatiku

I fell into a deep hole

21 July 2010, Wednesday 

I sit and ponder
of all the times
you have ripped me apart
I walked and reminisced
of all the hurt and pain
you have inflicted

I ran and scrambled
and remembered
the deep despair
I fell
I fell into a rut
I plummeted into a deep hole
I lay buried under a rubble

WanKinsella@Lubukhatiku

Time to spring clean my bedroom!!!

14 July 2010, Wednesday

The last couple of days I've been doing spring cleaning of my bedroom. My husband has been complaining incessantly that my stuff occupies 90% of the room! Is it really? Perhaps he was right. Then again, he could be exaggerating.

So, yesterday, as my class was canceled, I took the opportunity to clean up the mess. I've been mulling over which stuff  I deemed "throwable' and those which no longer deserve a place in my bedroom.

Funny, when it's time for spring cleaning, there would be bound to be things that you would want to throw away without hesitation (even though you had decided to keep that during the last spring cleaning); and things that you think, ponder, muse, mull over, and contemplate numerous times before you come to a conclusion on what to be thrown away; and there would also be things where, try as you might, you just cannot bear to part with them. I guess that's human nature. It's interesting to discover the things you and your family members keep.

The last spring cleaning I did was after my house was renovated. That was the longest renovation I had to endure, starting from January right up to May 2010, a full five months. And at that time, I was really brutal in discarding all the things that no longer jive with my newly renovated house.

I had donated most of my pots and pans, crockeries, cutleries, and many other knicks and knacks to a children's home in Rawang. And a few other stuff were donated to my sister in Putrajaya. I had even given away many potted plants to the guys who came to redo my garden. Those yonder days when my garden was filled to the brim with plants and plants and plants are a thing of the past.

Today, I fully embrace a minimalist concept in my house decor. The garden today looked completely different with just a couple of potted plants lining the fence separating my neighbour's house. And under the pergola, I only have a fish pond, a garden table and four chairs, a lattice and "tiang seri" adorning the pergola area, with two potted water plants in the pond and just one plant next to the lattice. I used to have numerous potted plants under the pergola!!

And with that in mind, I'm all set to do the same with my bedroom....Alas, I realised, it was much easier to throw away things in the kitchen, things in the living room, in the dining room, in the garden, and in my backyard. It's also easier to throw away things in my store, what I had called "The small room under the staircase".

But things in my bedroom? I will continue to mull, ponder, muse, think, contemplate before I throw them away. Meanwhile, I've managed to clean 20% of the mess only. And for sure, my husband will continue to nag, pester, hassle and hound me until I dispose of most of the junks which are dear to my heart....

Procrastination is the FATHER of all evil

14 July 2010, Wednesday

It's funny that people do not treat time with the respect it deserves. Many people have the tendency to procrastinate.

Procrastination, the habit of putting tasks off to the last possible minute, can be a major problem in both our career and our personal life. Side effects include missed opportunities, frenzied work hours, stress, overwhelm, resentment, and guilt.

Some people enjoy procrastinating. People procrastinate because they're overwhelmed with too much on their plate, and procrastination gives them an escape. Other times they''ll feel tired and lazy, and they just can't get going. But for most others, it's more of a habit.

We put things off because we don't want to do them, or because we have too many other things to do. Putting things off—big or small—is part of being human.

Some people love the rush of adrenalin they get when they finish a task ten minutes before it's due, but we (and our body) are getting tired of pulling all-nighters. We feel okay about procrastinating while in college, but you worry that this habit will follow you into your working life.

If we put off washing the dishes, but the dishes don't bother us, who cares? When our procrastination leaves us feeling discouraged and overburdened, however, it is time to take action.

For most procrastinators, because it is habitual, they aren't going to wake up tomorrow and never procrastinate again. But they might wake up tomorrow and do one or two simple things that will help them finish that task a little earlier or with less stress.

Taking the time to learn about why we procrastinate may help us avoid the cycle whereby we swear up and down that we will never procrastinate again, only to find that the next time we have a task due, we are up until 5 a.m. trying to complete the task - without knowing why or how we got there.

Personally, I avoid procrastination like the plague!!! I abhor people who are habitual procrastinators. And many people close and dear to me find my habit intimidating because I'm a stickler for punctuality and DO NOT LIKE to do things at the last minute. And I become easily upset and jittery when people close to me do things at the last minute.

I simply do not understand why people need to procrastinate when things can be done early, in a systematic way and with sufficient time to complete a task or job. Especially to my loved ones, STOP PROCRASTINATING.......and get your task/assignment/work done ASAP!!!

Footprints to Temasek, the Lion City

6 July 2010, Tuesday

My research into my roots and my dream of writing a book to trace my family's history will take me to Temasek, the Lion City over the next couple of days. Tomorrow, my exciting journey to unravel my past will unfold. Tomorrow, I'll begin my Footprints to the Lion City....

The pain that is in my heart

5 July 2010, Monday

I am looking at the sky, the tress, the lights and the people.

All leaving their smells on this world.

I wish to forget all the times of pain and loneliness.

I wish the time would stop 

and I could go back to the centre of my despair.

To see again the people who have broken my heart, 

to see my fears, inside their sad faces.

They looked into my black eyes and not the pain that is in my heart

I cry

I sing

And I wait for someone to embrace me.

WanKinsella@Lubukhatiku

Life is baffling

30 June 2010, Wednesday 

I'm baffled

I'm bewildered
I'm confounded
I'm stumped!!!
Sometimes I marvel

I'm bowled over about countless things in life 

I'm astonished why when we talk of love very few listen
But when we talk of hate we have everyone's rapt attention

I'm amazed why when someone is feeling down and blue
And these poor souls don't know what to do
Our words of comfort seem so few

I'm perplexed why we are happy to listen to lies
Quicker than we will listen to the truth
Albeit we are witnesses to the pain
And have heard their whimpers and cries.

I'm mystified why we pick our friends and envelope them in love
And never extend our hands to others

I'm stunned why when things seem right
We think it is something awesome and great we have done
But when things go wrong, we want to blame Allah

I'm baffled

I'm bewildered

I'm confounded
I'm stumped!!!

WanKinsella@Lubukhatiku

Today my exciting voyage begins...

30 June 2010, Wednesday

For ages, I've been dreaming and meaning to... Unfortunately, time was not on my side.

But....

Today, more than ever, I'm determined to start penning down my family's delightful, heart-rending, poignant, moving, and inspirational stories, stories which keep leaping out of my mind, stories which have enthralled my kids, particularly, my daughter, Khairina Izzati.

Time and again, I have shared with my kids stories about my parents, how hard a life they had gone through, how deprived and impoverished they were. And Khairina had repeatedly cajoled me into writing a memoir, a journal that could chronicle my family's inspirational and stirring journey through an arduous, challenging and testing time in their lives.

The period where 5 cents meant the world to my eldest sister and 3 brothers, where every cent counted, and where 10 cents was all the pocket money I received daily when I was in secondary school, right up to Secondary 4. Today, RM10 pocket money is the norm in some families.

The period where my sister and brothers had to sell kueh (Malay cakes) from door-to-door just to buy their school necessities, where watching movies at the cinema was a REAL LUXURY, and where eating broth (bubur) with salted fish was almost a daily occurrence in their lives.

I have also repeatedly told my English students the same story to inspire them. What my parents lacked financially, they made it up with their foresight and their grit and determination. They persevered.

They raised eight kids with barely enough to sustain everyone. They schooled us and made sure we had good education, that was the only property they bequethed to us.

And, with Allah's blessings, all the 8 kids have gone on to be very successful in their lives, all 8 of us. All with their own success stories. To Mak, Ayah, we, your 8 kids would be eternally grateful.

Today, I will embark on a literary journey. Today, I will unfold the lives behind the curtains of Allahyarham Wan Mahmood and Allahyarhamah Norhasimah, the truly special and proud parents of Allahyarham Wan Yusoff, Allahyarham Wan Mohammed Fisol, Wan Arfah, Wan Mohammed Fusil, Wan Ishak, Wan Mohammed Elias, Wan Mohamed Saleh, Wan Sallehah, Wan Sofiah, Allahyarham Wan Mohammed Zakery and Wan NorZakirah.

Today my exciting voyage begins.

Ayah, I still feel your presence

10 June 2010, Thursday

Even though ayah left me 1.5 years ago, I still feel his strong presence in my house. Sometimes, out of the blues, I could smell a whiff of his favourite cigar pervading my living room and I am comforted with the smell, knowing that ayah has "visited' my house once again.

At other times, especially when I am at a mamak restaurant, I would imagine what to "tapau" for ayah as he normally would ask me to tapau his favourite fried bird, mamak mee or rice with his all-time favourite daging.

How many times have I picked up the phone to call ayah ? When reality set in, I'd be feeling really melancholic and pain would run through my veins.

I admit that I was unprepared for the devastation I'd feel when he died, but today, I have gradually come to terms with my loss.

There was this period of terrible numbness. And it's impossible for anyone to know what's it like until it happens to you. It had happened to friends of mine and I'd go, 'Oh, I'm so sorry', but in reality? How could I be truly sorry when I didn't know what it meant before he left us?

No one can ever underestimate how devastating it is. But at the same time what I've learnt about losing someone so close is that my life is full of their presence. Ayah, I love you so much, you were my best friend. Now I feel so empty and alone inside.

Madah nasihat seorang suami buat isterinya:

3 June 2010, Thursday

Mintalah maaf kepadaku, 

nescaya cintaku tetap abadi kepadamu

Janganlah kamu berbicara kepadaku

saat amarahku sedang tinggi memuncak

Janganlah memukulku, walau sekalipun

umpama kamu memukul sebuah rebana

Sungguh kamu tidak mengetahui

bagaimana orang yang sedang berpisah

Janganlah terlalu suka mengadu

sehingga aku hilang rasa cinta

dan aku tawar hati terhadapmu

Kerana hati ini sentiasa berubah-ubah

Sesungguhnya aku melihat bahawa

cinta di dalam hati ini dan rasa sakit hati

Apabila berkumpul (pada satu hati)

tidak berapa lama 

cintapun terus padam dan hilang

WanKinsella@Lubukhatiku