Ayah, thank you for paying me a visit

25 August 2009

Ayah, thank you for coming back to my house today. Thank you for paying me a visit, albeit just in my dream. It felt so real as I could see you languishing and relaxing at that little corner in front of my 3-seater in the living room (that was your favourite corner whenever you came to my house).

And we were joined by Kak Pah (my eldest sister), Amir (my hubby), Abang Cen (my eldest brother), Khairil (my second son), Kharina (my daughter) and Khairi (my youngest son), and many others in my living room but I couldn't recall everyone's faces as they appeared quite vague.

Ayah, in that dream, I was so happy to see you looking so relaxed and happy as you were surrounded by people who love you. I could see how animated you were and, occasionally, I could also see you inhaling small puffs from your cigar (something you enjoyed indulging in your life time).

And towards the end of the dream, you kept asking me to wake Khairul up as he was supposed to take you for your medical check up at HUKM. You did not want to be late as you had always been a stickler for punctuality (now I knew where I inherited this little quirk, as my major weakness is my absolute intolerance for people who are tardy and late).

Anyway, upon hindsight, it was kind of amusing that even in my dream, I had difficulty waking Khairul up so much so that you had to keep reminding me (Khairul's major occupation is SLEEPING, and it has been repeatedly remarked to him that even if a bomb goes off in his room, he would continue sleeping).

Ayah, what I felt most happy today was that you appeared very much alive, very much your usual self, like the time when Mak was still with us. You seemed contented and happy, with the cigar in between your lips and your head propped up with several pillows and a big cushion, just like before, at that favorite spot of yours, in my living room, surrounded by everyone who loved you.

Ayah, I'm sure you are missing us as much as we are missing you. You have left a deep void in our lives. And, despite you having left us 8 months ago, I will always feel your presence in my house, particularly after today, as I reckon you had come back to say a proper goodbye to us, particularly me.

Ayah, remember that I was one of your children who did not get to see you before you left us. I did not get a chance to kiss your hands and your wrinkled cheeks. I did not get to hug you before you left us.

Ayah, my memory of you would be when I last spoke to you, two days before your soul leaves your body. And because your soul came back to my house today, gradually, the deep regret I have been feeling the last eight months for not being able to see you is slowly reducing.

Ayah, the first few months after you left us was really a trying moment for me. Every time I looked at your photo, I would burst out crying. And every time, I looked up names under W, and if I happened to glimpse your name as I scrolled the contacts, I would be sobbing uncontrollably.

Ayah, it was hard for me to erase your name from my hand phone contacts as I felt that you had been a major part of my life and would always be with me, albeit in spirit and in memory only. And I would never erase your name as I wanted to preserve your memory forever.

Ayah, today, I feel so good. The deep regret and hurt is slowly ebbing away, and I'm thankful you came back in the month of Ramadan. Perhaps, it was actually a message you wanted to convey to us children to sedekah AlFatihah, surah Yassin and salawat Nabi.

And Insyallah Ayah, we will continue to do so, not just during Ramadan, but all the time.

Ayah, thank you for paying me a visit today. It means so much to me.

Kring...kring......kring....kring....... . It was time for sahur. That was my alarm at 5:00 a.m

Alfatihah, Ayah and to Mak, ..., and to Pan, Tok Ayah, Wan Mohd Fisol, Wan Yusoff, Wan Zakery, Tok Baba, Tok Wan Chik, and to Tok (Mak's mum) too.....