Fifty

16 October 2009, Friday (27 Syawal)

What most people don't realize about birthdays and what everyone fails to tell you is that when you are 50, you are also 40, and 30, and 20, and 10, and 9, and 8, and 7, and 6, and 5, and 4, and, 3, and 2, and 1.

And when it's 16 October, and when I woke up on my 50th birthday, I expect to feel 50, but I don't. When I opened my eyes, my husband is still the same. My room still looks the same.  My house is still the same.  The garden looks the same. The mess in my children's rooms are still the same. I'm still missing a maid coz I just sacked one last week. So, the situation is still the same. And when I looked at myself in the mirror, hey, my face still look the same....

And everything is just like yesterday, only it's today. And really, I don't feel fifty at all. I feel like I'm still twenty, thirty, forty. And I am - underneath the year that makes me fifty.

Like some days when I do or say something silly, and that's part of me that's still thirteen. Or some days when I longed for Mak because I missed her so much, and that's the part of me that's still nine. And possibly now I may need to cry like I'm still two or three, and that's okay. That's what I tell Khairina, my daughter when she's sad and needs to cry.  Maybe she's feeling two or three.

Because, think about it.  Growing old is like an onion.  There's many layers of it that fit inside the other, just like age, one year inside the next.

And that is exactly how being fifty feels like. And you know what, I feel great about turning 50!!!